BBR2B has been home with us - well, living with us in a rental house - for 4 days. He is now 6 days old.
What to write? How to express in words the range of emotions we are experiencing? Are there words that can adequately convey what it feels like to hold a 3 day old baby boy in your arms, to hold him all night long while you lie there deliriously tired but completely awake? How to share what it feels like to hear him breathing right in your ear as he leans his head on your shoulder, to see him in the arms of his dad-to-be and to realize that this tiny little vulnerable being is resting safely and contentedly in the loving arms of your husband? What to say when his diaper is being changed and his new big-sister-to-be runs over saying "are you ok, baby?" and wants her daddy to stop him from crying because she is so worried for him? How is it that even though this baby is not legally mine (yet?), I feel captivated and completely taken in by him and wonder how on earth I'll ever live without him again?
For me, there was life Before BBR2B and After. Just like there was life Before Aila and After. Just like there was life Before Marshall and after. Before Marshall, frankly, wasn't much of a life and I couldn't have known that until I experienced the magnificent richness of living through everything while your best friend is right there with you. I guess that before BBR2B, I couldn't have known that my heart could explode again and flood all of my systems with such intoxicating love and tenderness that it takes my breath away. I am in love for the 3rd time. I was SURE I would not allow myself to feel ANYTHING for this baby until the "waiting period" was over. I was soooooo wrong. I have been swept up in this experience of being mommy to two spectacular human beings, and I never, ever want this feeling to end. Ever.
The waiting period hasn't even officially begun yet. I cannot even think of bio mom changing her mind. It is making me so sick to my stomach that I cannot even eat. It is hard to hold things down. This is my child now. He is my son. Please, God, let us all go home together and live as a family forever.
- J
Saturday, July 4, 2009
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11 comments:
It is so hard to make sense of what you are going through. On the one hand, it seems impossible not to have the boy in someone's caring arms from birth until the waiting period is over, but on the other hand, it seems perverse to allow the kind of bonding that you are experience if there is any chance that both child-and-bonded-mother/father will be torn apart.
Can you share how many more days you have to deal with the ambiguity?
I admire that you are letting your heart go and that you are letting your love flow given the risk, however small it may be.
I wish you so much luck on this, as I know you deserve to keep this boy and he will benefit greatly from being yours.
Isn't it amazing how these children capture our hearts and we love them so instantly with our whole being? I still vividly remember the lady in our neighborhood telling me "I must have a big heart to adopt because she could never love a child that wasn't "hers" and I laugh. I loved Leeza instantly-just as I loved Sean instantly.
I am so happy that this lil boy has grabbed a hold of your heart and isn't letting go. I pray that everything continues on this path-and your son stays with you-as I truly feel is meant to be.
I'm so happy for you and your sweet lil family!! Love overflows.
Jen, once again I'm moved by your words.
This is one of the biggest risks you will take in your life, but most of the biggest risks are the life changing ones.
I pray for you multiple time throughout the day and anxiously await every update from you!
We'll be counting down the day with, waiting to exhale along with you.
Oh Jen... my heart goes out to you. I can feel your love and heartache and sadness and anxiety all the way over here. You and your wonderful family are going to get through this. I can feel it in my bones. Stay strong. We know that very soon we will be saying hello in person.
I am so glad you are in love for the third time, and that you are able to let go and FEEL. That is truly wonderful.
Much love to the 4 of you.
Sounds positively magical. This kind of love is so powerful that logic and caution cannot stop it. It is a flood, a freight train and a comet all in one.
Soon we will all be able to breathe an enormous sigh of relief (heard round the world!), and you can continue on with your beautiful new life together without fear and anxiety. We are counting the days right along with you.
I was so scared in Kazakhstan that Tyler's birth mom would suddenly appear, so I have an idea of this anxiety. You'll just make it through this because there's no other way. I really feel that he is meant to be BBR and feel all this love all the time.
I am thinking of you guys all the time, and can't wait to see a picture of Aila with her baby brother.
It is always so much easier said than done. But it seems that you've already crossed a threshold and are one giant step closer to being a family of four. How wonderful!
Even though you title your post "It is Hard to Know What to Write," you have written it perfectly. I put these words and that final picture from Marshall's last post together in my mind and feel like I glimpse something heavenly. I echo your prayer many times throughout the day.
Praying for the whole Robinson family. May the peace that transcends all understanding be yours.
I hope days 6, 7, 8 (and forever) are filled with joy and delight.
love to you.
Jen I haven't met you in person yet but one thing I know for sure is you are a dedicated and loving mother. It's true it is hard to know what to write. Yours is an epic love story. Yet once again you found a way to share the depth of your feelings. Keep that heart WIDE open my friend.
I love your honesty and your vulnerability. As I've said before, you're putting it all on the line. Even when he's your forever son, you'll still put it all out there. That's who you are: a wonderfully loving, strong woman who's living life out loud. God bless the Robinson four.
ooxx
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